I don't know if you've noticed, but whining has been a recurring theme on this blog lately. And by "lately", I mean for a pretty long time. Way too long, probably, and I'm sorry about that.
The point is that I haven't been all that happy - and I wasn't able to figure out why. I'm one of those rare people who - literally - got all of my dream jobs within five years of finishing my degree. That's pretty amazing.
The problem was that my life wasn't amazing. As a matter of fact, I was downright depressed a lot of the time, and generally feeling like all those dreamjobs were sucking the life right out of me. And yes, I probably was working a bit too much, but still; that wasn't enough to explain why I felt so horrible. It was pretty scary, to be honest. Because if all your dreams come true, and you're still not happy, does that mean you're simply unable to be happy?
Of course it didn't help that I lost the day job and have been working hard to find something permanent since then. But as a matter of fact, that turned out to be a blessing in disguise: I got some career coaching, and I suddenly had a lightbulb moment: I wasn't happy in my dream jobs because they weren't my dream jobs. Simple as that.
Because yes, I love writing fiction - but sitting in an office writing press releases all day is like watching paint dry to me (I'm still reeling a bit when I'm writing this, because I thought it was my dream for such a long time). Instead I need to be challenged, and I love being around other people. And most of all, I love teaching.
I can't tell you how relieved I am right now. Because yes, looking for a job is suddenly a lot easier and a lot more fun. But most importantly, I've realized that I'm not unable to be happy; I've just been a little slow on the uptake when it comes to knowing myself and what makes me tick. But hey, I'd rather be slow than unhappy;).
Oh, God. I just realized that I actually have a tag called "whining". Well, I hope I'll use it more sparingly in the future! And I promise to have a free story for you one of these days as well - as penance!
So, there I was, three days ago: I had stocked up on delicious food, equally delicious brownies and a good book - you know, just to get warmed up before I began editing the sequel to A Russian Bear (yep. The same one I've been talking about for ages now). I was deep into Kate Sherwood's latest Dark Horse novel when I began noticing that it was really cold in my apartment. So cold that I was shivering, in fact. Well, it was a good book, so I kept on reading, and it wasn't until I had finished that I realized that I was sick as a dog. As in "somebody please take me out of my misery"-sick. Food poisoning, in other words. It turned out that the delicious, fancy food really was fancy - in a bacteriologically not so good way.
So, now I'm spending my precious days off being sick and not editing my book. And yes, I'm feeling really, really sorry for myself. As a matter of fact so sorry that I'm comfort-buying books. I need it, you see. For your information, Kate Sherwood as well as Vaugh R. Demont are really good reads (they actually kept me sitting up in bed - gasp!). Now I'll begin Alexandr Voinov's Dark Soul. I've read his Scorpion and loved it.
So, if you need comfort reads, those are good choices. And by the way, you should never begin three paragraphs in a row with a "so". Just sayin'. But I'm sick, so I'm allowed to.
I read and I write - everything from corporate to kink. My naughty fictional friends are always there to make my life interesting. And pester me, of course. Pesky creatures.