Wanna write a book?

So. I was doing a blog tour for my new book, and I was asked to give some advice to aspiring writers, since I’ve now managed to somehow survive writing six novels (go me!). Here’s my advice:
 
Don’t. If you value your spare time as well as your sanity, writing is NOT the way to go. Also, there’s no way around admitting that spending hours and hours on your speshul snowflake masterpiece is somewhat pretentious. Although my books are far too kinky to be pretentious. Or masterpieces, probably. You need to take the job pretty seriously to write a book, and to be honest, I find that a little ridiculous – even after six novels. 
 
However, if you still insist on doing it, then I do have some advice:

• Do it. That means practice. Lots and lots and lots of it. Talking about your book won’t get your book done. Research won’t get your book done. Outlining won’t get your book done. Writing will.
• Edit. You may love your very first story; however, it’s probably shite (can I say that? Well, I just did. After all, I speak from personal experience). When you’ve written your story, take a very hard look at it and consider whether the characters are engaging and convincing, the plot consistent, and the language fluent enough for somebody to want to read it. If it isn’t, fix it. And yes, that’s actually just as much work as writing the damn thing in the first place. Sometimes more. Only less fun (unless you’re an unashamed word nerd like me).
• However, remember to keep your processes separate. Don’t judge your work while you write; save that for the editing process. Believe me, there will be lots to judge.
• Funnily enough, an education in the field of literature is not necessarily useful when you write (it’s extremely useful when you edit, but that’s something else entirely). It’s not bad, either; it just doesn’t make writing any easier at all. Which sucks for me. I don’t find “How to write a book” books very useful, either – with one exception: “How NOT to write a novel” by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman is both hilarious and spot on. For the record, I tend to suffer from masturbation.
• And now I know you want to look up that book. Go on, go ahead and check it on Goodreads. You cannot miss Michael Hermann’s review of it. That, my friend, is called procrastination. Get used to that if you want to become an author.  
• Get a good editor. For all that’s holy, don’t forget this point. A good editor is the difference between a meh story and a good story (also, they ensure that your main character doesn’t suddenly grow an extra arm during a sex scene). And be aware: Editing a book is NOT fixing the misspellings and saying “Gosh, I love your book!”, and it’s not something that your neighbor who once studied English can necessarily do. It’s a highly specialized job; get someone good to do it.
• The same goes for proof readers. Preferably two different people.
• Oh, and for the love of God: Learn how to type. It’s such a trivial skill, but it will help you tremendously.

 
So, if you still insist on writing, get your butt in gear – and remember: There’s no right way and no wrong way to write a book. You don’t have to buy a $14 beverage and park your butt in a fancy café with your shiny new Macbook before you’re allowed to write your first words. You don’t have to write on a schedule (unless you like having one). You don’t have a deadline (again, unless you like having one). You’re on your own, and that’s both terrifying and exhilarating. Good luck!
 
Oh. I think I was supposed to use this as a marketing opportunity. God, I’m bad at that. There’s a reason why they didn’t ask me to give any advice on that… But here we go: Buy my book! Uh, if you want to, that is. Then it would be lovely if you would. It’s called How to Domesticate a Russian Bear, and I followed almost none of my excellent advice above when I wrote it. 

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